Keaton's Ker-razy Kontest
by Glitcher
Summary: A hilarious game show where Link and Skull Kid are competing for who gets to be the hero in the next Zelda game on Gamecube, hosted by Keaton the fox. Lots of Looney Tunes-style humour and slapstick comedy.


*Curtains draw*  
  
Glitcher: (arrives on stage) Yo yo yo! Wassup, all you happy people! S'been a while since I've written a story for Fanfiction.net, so I thought I'd have another shot at a comedy after the success of my previous fic, "THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!!"  
Members: (applause)  
Glitcher: You could say I got the idea for this story after I played Keaton's quiz in Majora's Mask. I thought "Hey, what would happen if we expand this little quiz show into something bigger?" Well, you get this kind of story, I guess. I think it turned out pretty good. ^_^  
Members: (applause)  
Glitcher: ^_^ ; Cheers. Anyway, enough with the intro. Let's get on with the...........  
Miyamoto: Hold it!  
Glitcher: o.O ; Shigeru Miyamoto! What are you doing here?  
Miyamoto: You know darn well why I'm here! You haven't read the disclaimer yet! I want credit for my creations!  
Glitcher: Oh, don't be ridiculous! You don't really expect me to go through all that......  
Miyamoto: (pulls out a shotgun)  
Glitcher: o.O ; Read the disclaimer? Of course! Why didn't you say so? Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^ ; Um... Keaton, Link, Skull Kid, and all related characters are property of Nintendo. I never once pretended to own them. ^_^  
Miyamoto: That's more like it. Remember, I'll be watching you.......... (fades into the shadows)  
Glitcher: o.O ; Er.... ooookaaaay. Anyway, you readers should go ahead and start the story without me. I hope you all like it. It took me over a month to write. *phew*  


Keaton's Ker-razy Kontest  
  
Concocted by Glitcher  
(Run for your lives!!!)  
  
Starring  
  
Fox McCloud as Keaton  
Peter Pan as Link  
and  
The Scarecrow as Skull Kid  
(Skull Kid: Hey, how come I'm at the bottom?!)  


*A groggy taxi pulls up beside a studio*  
  
Skull Kid: (steps out of the taxi) *cough* *cough* Ack! Great day in the morning! I've never been in such a smoked-up taxi before! Geez, I thought South Park 64 was foggy! And where the hell did you learn to drive, you chimp? You almost killed me back there!  
Gex: Hey! Next time you drive yourself, kid! It's hard enough being forced to work here after my games were used as doorstops! Now where's my fifty rupees?  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Fifty rupees?! For a ride like that?! That wasn't worth five rupence! This is daylight robbery!  
Crickets: (chirp)  
Skull Kid: Um... okay, it's nightlight robbery! Grrrr.... Alright I'll pay, but next time I'll sue you for every rupee you've got!  
Gex: Ah, shaddap! (takes the cash and drives off, throwing up dust in Skull Kid's face)  
Skull Kid: *cough* *cough* Stupid punk-ass newt! That's the last time I buy any of his games........ Huh? What's that sound?  
  
*A white limo the length of fifteen Michael Jordans pulls up next to Skull Kid*  
  
Link: (steps out of the limo) Thank you, kind Sir. I will never forget your services. That was the most enjoyable ride I have ever experienced. And what a lovely vehicle!  
Slippy: Thanks, Mr Link! I built it myself. It was an honour driving a person of your stature here. If you don't mind, I would like to accept the fare for you.  
Link: Oh, my word! You are too kind. But I must pay for my ride.  
Slippy: No really, Sir, it would be my pleasure to accept the charge.  
Skull Kid: o.O ; What the hell.....? Hey, come off it you lying prick! You're not supposed to be playing around until we get inside!  
Link: Whatever do you mean Mr Kid? This good fellow and I are merely having a friendly conversation.  
Skull Kid: Don't give me that, you sleazy scumbag! I know what you're up to, and I'm going to flame your hide so hard tonight it'll still be burning by morning! Now c'mon, my audience awaits me inside.  
  
*Inside the studio*  
  
Keaton: (arrives on stage) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and monsters, and welcome to the twentieth edition of "Keaton's Ker-razy Kontest"!!! ^_^  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Keaton: It's great to see that so many people have turned up for this show, because tonight we're going to see history in the making. We're going to be giving away a prize so grand that it'll surpass anything we've ever offered before. If any of you remember, last time we had the Mario Bros. themselves competing for who gets to star in the first "Mario" game for Gamecube. And wouldn't you know that the lanky Luigi managed to steal the show, walking away triumphantly with the role in the upcoming "Luigi's Mansion"! Well this time we're offering something that's going to top even that! Something that'll be remembered for generations to come! But before we get to the prize, let's introduce our contestants. Coming to you all the way from the mythical land of Hyrule, the hero of time himself: LIIIIIIIIIIINNK!!!  
Link: (arrives on stage) Hi there! ^_^ *waves*  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Romani: You go, girl! ^_~  
Link: o.O  
Keaton: And from the great plains of Termina, the one and only original prankster: SKUUUUULLL KIIIIIIIIIIDD!!!  
Skull Kid: (arrives on stage) Thank you! Thank you, everybody! ^_^ *waves*  
Crickets: (chirp)  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Ha ha. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeerry funny.  
Keaton: Oh, and we would have invited Ganondorf too, seeing as he's the meanest, ugliest, nastiest pig-man this side of the gaming domain, but we couldn't seem to get in touch with him. No one knows where he is.  
  
*Elsewhere, in the Sacred Realm*  
  
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (swirls for eternity in a white void)  
  
*Back at the studio*  
  
Keaton: Anyway, I'd better not keep you people waiting any longer.. Tonight our contestants will be competing for the fabulous prize of - wait for it - THE ROLE OF THE HERO IN THE NEXT ZELDA GAME ON GAMECUBE!!!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Skull Kid: Hey, how come the game gets named after her?! She doesn't even do anything, for Din's sake!  
Keaton: DO YOU WANT TO PLAY IN THIS SHOW OR NOT?!!!!!!!!  
Skull Kid: O_O (zips up lips... er... I mean, beak)  
Keaton: Good. Now, as both of you know, you will each be submitted to a series of difficult and varied trials that will test your ability to be a hero. Whoever comes out on top at the end will be tonight's champion!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Keaton: Link, what do you think of your chances of winning this evening? (points mike at Link)  
Link: I have supreme confidence in my skills, Keaton, and I believe fortune's on my side. But in the end, I hope the best man wins.  
Audience: LINK!!!!!!! LINK!!!!!!! LINK!!!!!!!  
Keaton: How gallant of him. ^_^ ; And what about you, Skull Kid? Do you think you can beat Link? (points mike at Skull Kid)  
Skull Kid: WHAT YOU MEAN?! OF COURSE I'LL BEAT HIM! I'LL MURDER HIM! I'LL PULVERISE HIM! I'LL MASSACRE HIM! I'LL RAPE HIM!  
Audience: o.O  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Oops! Um... Glitcher?  
Glitcher: What?  
Skull Kid: Do you think you could edit out that last line I said, please?  
Glitcher: No problem. I'll have it deleted before I post this story on Fanfiction.net  
Skull Kid: Thanks! Don't forget.  
Glitcher: I won't.  
Skull Kid: *phew* Alright, now enough delays. I want to get on to the first trial so I can kick the crap out of Link!  
Keaton: Alrighty then! Let the games begin!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
  
  
First event: Face the Iron Knuckle  
  
Keaton: Every role-playing adventure game that has come into existence always pits the hero against hordes of terrifying, blood-thirsty monsters. So for starters, we'll test our contestant's fighting skills. If they think they have what it takes, let's see if they can stand up to the dreaded Iron Knuckle! Link, start us off!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Romani: You go, girl! ^_~  
Link: o.O ; Eh heh heh heh heh heh.  
Iron Knuckle: (arrives on stage wielding an enormous axe) IRON KNUCKLE HATE PUNY BRATS! IRON KNUCKLE HATE YOU ALL!  
Link: Now, now, there's no need for hostility. We're all friends here.  
Iron Knuckle: Huh?  
Link: I'm sensing you must have led a rough childhood. Did you have a hard relationship with your father?  
Iron Knuckle: (breaks down in tears) BOO HOO HOO! IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE! MY FATHER NEVER HAD ANY TIME FOR ME! HE WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY TRYING TO STEAL THE TRIFORCE TO PLAY CATCH OR GO FISHING AT LAKE HYLIA! BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO! (cries on Link's shoulder)  
Link: There, there, Uncle Link will make it all better now. (takes out a handkerchief and wipes Iron Knuckle's... er... mask)  
Skull Kid: O_O ; WHAT THE FLIPPIN' NORA ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?!?! You, the guy in the hockey mask, get over here and put up your dukes!  
Iron Knuckle: IRON KNUCKLE NO LIKE YOU! (swings his axe at Skull Kid)  
Skull Kid: (opens eyes) o.O ; Huh? I'm unhurt! Ha ha! You missed, you oversized tin can! You missed! (suddenly he splits vertically into two pieces and falls to the floor)  
Keaton: o.O ; Oh dear, what a mess. It will take some time to revive Skull Kid with a fairy, which means Link wins the first round!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Romani: You go, girl! ^_~  
Link: o.O ; Um... please stop saying that.  
  
  
Second event: Archery  
  
Keaton: There's been nary a Zelda game that doesn't feature the classic bow and arrow - a landmark of RPGs. In this next round, we'll test our two contestants in a round of archery.  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Keaton: Alright, you guys are both aiming for that target over on the...... o.O ; Hey, where's the target?  
Audience: ..............................  
Keaton: Glitcher, what happened to the target?  
Glitcher: Huh? Oh.... sorry, I couldn't afford a real target. Budget cuts, y'know.  
Keaton: -_- ; Okay, let's just say your aiming for that box of nitroglycerine on the gangway just above Superman's head.  
Superman: Hey!  
Keaton: Link, you're up first.  
Skull Kid: Hey, he started last time! Now it's my turn!  
Link: Don't you think I deserve to start?  
Skull Kid: No!  
Link: Then I'll continue until you think I do. ^_^  
Skull Kid: O_O ; What the...... Aaargh!  
Keaton: Okay Link, give it your best shot.  
Link: Alright, I'll try.  
Keaton: No! Do... or do not. There is no try.  
Link: Er... yeah, whatever. (pulls out his fairy bow) Alright, here goes. There is no spoon. (fires an arrow which soars over the crowd, smashes straight through the centre of the box, and flies right out the window and over the horizon.............)  
  
*Meanwhile elsewhere*  
  
Bill Gates: Well then, Mr Kutaragi, have you and your Sony counsellors given further thought to my offer.  
Ken Kutaragi: Yes I have and I agree whole-heartedly. I believe that if we combine Sony and Microsoft, we can eradicate the Nintendo threat once and for all.  
Bill Gates: Then it's settled! From tomorrow we can begin mass production of........ wait a minute, do you hear something? (spots an arrow coming straight for him before it hits him in the neck) Ack! *moan* *crumple*  
Ken Kutaragi: O_O ; Bill! Bill, speak to me!  
  
*Back at the studio*  
  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Superman: (opens eyes and looks up at the box) *phew* It didn't fall. ^_^  
Keaton: What a shot! Can Skull Kid match up?  
Skull Kid: Don't make me laugh! I've pulled off better shots spitballing in the Lost Woods. (pulls out a bow and arrow) I'll show you how a real archer shoots! (under breath) Cackle! This homing arrow will guarantee me a perfect shot! All I have to do is type in the target and I can't miss! Let's see........ Aim for nitrogliss.... er.... nytrogliceree.... er.... Link, how do you spell nitroglycerine?  
Link: Er, let's see..... S-K-U-L-L K-I-D. ^_^  
Skull Kid: Thanks. (under breath) Ha ha! Sucker!  
Keaton: We're waiting, Skull Kid.  
Skull Kid: Right, watch this! (fires an arrow which soars over the crowd, turns around, and flies straight back towards him) O_O ; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (gets chased all around the studio)  
Keaton: O_O ; Everyone hit the dirt!  
Bottles the mole: O_O ; NOOOOOOO!! (gets crushed to death by the audience)  
Skull Kid: O_O ; YAH! I'm outta here! (leaps out the window, barely avoiding the arrow, which flies outside and over the horizon.............)  
  
*Meanwhile elsewhere*  
  
Ken Kutaragi: (weeping over Bill Gates) Waaaaaaaaaahh! Why did this have to happen? He didn't deserve to die! He was always a good .......... wait a minute, what's that sound? (spots an arrow coming straight for him before it hits him in the neck) Ack! *moan* *crumple*  
  
*Back at the studio*  
  
Audience: o.O  
Superman: (opens eyes and looks up at the box) *phew* He missed it. ^_^  
  
*Suddenly the gangway collapses by itself and drops the box of nitroglycerine*  
  
Superman: O_O ; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! ................... ***BOOM!***  
Keaton: o.O .................... Hey, Skull Kid missed the target, which means that Link wins!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Link: Hang on, what happened to Skull Kid? He just jumped out of a twenty-storey high window!  
Keaton: Ah, I'm sure he's okay. There's a dumpster outside that window which should break his fall.  
Link: Wait a minute, today's Wednesday. Don't they empty the dumpsters on Wednesday?  
  
*Distant sound: .......... phweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ....... CLANG!*  
  
Link: Yup, guess so.  
Keaton: o.O ; Um..... We'll get someone to recover Skull Kid's corpse so we can revive him again. In the meantime, why don't we get some interviews from the audience on this exciting contest? Kafei, that's your job.  
Kafei: Okaley-dokaley. You, Miss, who do you think should be the hero? (points mike at audience member)  
Koume: It is the one who carries the emblem of light that shall receive that which he is destined.  
Kafei: o.O .................................. Huh?  
Koume: The fire burns within the orb of the oracle chosen to lead the exodus to freedom.  
Kafei: o.O .................................. What?  
Koume: I THINK THE HERO SHOULD BE LINK, YOU DUMBASS!!!!  
Kotake: Hey, that's not what Skull Kid paid us to say, sister!  
Keaton: o.O ; What was that? Are you witches into bribery?  
Kotake: Curses, we've been discovered! But you'll never catch us! Mwa ha ha ha ha! (throws a pellet on the floor that releases a blanketing cloud of smoke.......... then the smoke clears and they're still there) O_O ; Um.... um.... (runs out the door with Koume)  
Kafei: -_- ; Let's try someone else. Sir, who do you think is going to win? (points mike at audience member)  
Donkey Kong: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRRRR!!!!! (jumps on Kafei and starts gorging him)  
Kafei: O_O ; AH!! AAAAHH!!! OH MY GODS! SOMEBODY HELP! AAAAHH!!! GET HIM OFF!! AAAAAAAHH!! HELP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!  
  
{We interrupt this program due to technical difficulties}  
  
*Later*  
  
Anju: Sorry about that. There was... um... camera failure. Oh, and Kafei had to leave rather unexpectedly because he... er... had a dental appointment. (glances at the bloody mess in the corner) Anyway, I'll be taking over for the interviews from now on. Let's continue with you guys. Who do you think deserves to win? (points mike at audience members)  
Team Rocket: Well it's kinda hard to tell at this point, but we've decided our vote goes to.......... (spots Keaton) Hang on, is that Pikachu?  
Keaton: O_O ; What?! No, I'm not......!  
Team Rocket: Pokéball go! (throws a pokéball at Keaton)  
Keaton: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (gets sucked into the pokéball)  
Team Rocket: Yeah! We finally caught Pikachu! ^_^  
Pokéball: Error! Error! Incompatible!............ ***BOOM!***  
Team Rocket: Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiin!!  
Keaton: (standing amidst the debris) @_@ ; But mommy, I don't want to go to school today!........... (collapses)  
Anju: o.O ; Um... why don't we take a short break while our host recovers? During that time, our guest star will now come and generously perform a singing act for us. ^_^  
Jigglypuff: (arrives on stage holding a marker pen) ^_^ ; Jiiiiiiigglllyyyyyypuuuuuuuufff.....  
Audience: O_O ; Run for your lives!! (charges into the lobby)  
Jigglypuff: o.O ; PUUUUUUFFFF!!!  
Anju: -_- ; Oh well. Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby and get ourselves a snack. ^_^  
  
*Later, backstage*  
  
Skull Kid: (strapping explosives to a set of drums) Ooooh! I'm still sore from that fall, but I'll make sure I have the last laugh. Heh heh heh. The next event is music. Now when that green-skirted prick hits the **C-Up** drum during his performance, all the king's soldiers and all the king's men won't be able to put him together again! Hee hee! ^_^  
  
  
Third event: Music  
  
Keaton: Music has always been a forte of Zelda games, and this next instalment in the series is no exception. Our contestants must therefore prove their musical prowess by playing us a piece on an instrument of their choice.  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Skull Kid: Here, Link, why don't you do the honours first? ^_^ (hands Link the drums)  
Link: Really? Do you mean it?  
Skull Kid: Absitively! I'll just go and watch from backstage where it's saf..... I mean, where the acoustics are better. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^  
Link: Okay, I'll start. (puts on the Goron mask) Ladies and gentlemen, I shall now demonstrate my music skills by playing the Oath to Order.  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Romani: You go, girl! ^_~  
Link: -_- ; *sigh*...... (readies drums)  
Skull Kid: Mwa ha ha! I can't wait! ^_^  
Link: ............... [ C-Right, C-Down, A, C-Down, C-Right, **C-Left** ]  
Skull Kid: o.O ; That's not right, you idiot! The last note is **C-Up**! **C-Up**!!!  
Link: *shrugs* (tries again) [ C-Right, C-Down, A, C-Down, C-Right, **C-Left** ]  
Skull Kid: NO! NO! NO! (runs on stage, grabs the drums, and shoves Link off stage) That's not how you play it! Let me show you: [ C-Right, C-Down, A, C-Down, C-Right, **C-Up** ] ...... ***BOOM!*** ...... @_@ ; Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you...... (collapses)  
Keaton: o.O ; Uh, Skull Kid?......... (pokes Skull Kid with a Deku stick) ........ Nope, it looks like he's dead again. Bring in more fairies! Oh, and since Skull Kid can't play right now, Link wins this round by default!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!  
Romani: You go, girl! ^_~  
Link: -_- ; I give up.  
  
  
Fourth event: Cinema  
  
Keaton: More and more games rely on cut-scenes to convey emotions. A hero has to be as good an actor as a fighter to win the gamer's heart. In this round, the contestants have to try and perform the most gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, Oscar-winning death scene bearable. Our judges on performance will be - let's give them a big round of applause - the six sages!  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Nabooru: ^_^ ; (blows a kiss to the crowd)  
Keaton: Link, why don't you start this round?  
Skull Kid: Hey! He started the past three rounds. It's my shot now!  
Link: Don't you think I deserve to start?  
Skull Kid: Oh no, you're not getting me with that one again! This time my answer is yes!  
Link: Good, then I guess I will start. ^_^  
Skull Kid: O_O ; What the...... AAAAARGH!  
Keaton: Okay Link, show us what you've got.  
Link: No problemo. (clutches heart) Ack! (plays dead)  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Saria: [ 10 ]  
Nabooru: [ 10 ]  
Rauru: [ 11 ]  
Ruto: [ Heart symbol ]  
Impa: [ "Link for president!" ]  
Darunia: [ 1 ]  
Sages: (glares angrily at Darunia)  
Darunia: o.O ; Um... um... I mean, [ 10 ]  
Skull Kid: That's it?! That was pathetic! Kenny could play dead better than that! I'll show you how a real actor performs. Glitcher, some appropriate music if you please.  
Glitcher: Here you go........ *plays "Barbie Girl"*  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Not that, you idiot!!  
Glitcher: Don't call me an idiot! I created you!  
Miyamoto: (flashes his shotgun from the shadows)  
Glitcher: o.O ; Er.... I mean, Nintendo created you. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^  
Skull Kid: -_- ; Anyway, here goes..... (clutches heart) Ack! Ye got me, partner........ (stumbles over to Keaton Jim Carrey-style and collapses in his arms) H-Hold me closer, Ed. I-I-It's getting dark...........  
Gorman Brothers: Hot dogs! Hot dogs selling at four rupees! Get 'em while they're... er... hot! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs! Made with real succulent minced beef from three of yesterday's finest cattle.  
Cremia: Hey, I lost three of my cattle yesterday!  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Do you mind?! I'm trying to do a performance here! Now where was I? Oh yeah....... (clears throat) Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming 'ome this Christmas...... *cough* ....... Tell Stant I do give a damn......... *cough* *cough*  
Energizer Bunny: It just keeps going and going and going and going..........  
Skull Kid: O_O ; Get that frickin' rabbit out of here! How the hell am I supposed to put on a show with all these interruptions, for cryin' out loud?! I can't even say three lines without getting disturbed by some...........  
Link: (hauls in a pile of hot pants) HEY, WHO WANTS SHORT SHORTS?!!!  
Audience: WE WANT SHORT SHORTS!!!!  
Link: YEAH! LET'S PAR-TAY!! (starts doing the monkey)  
Skull Kid: O_O ; ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (foaming at the mouth) EVERYONE STOP INTERRUPTING!!!! ALL I WANT TO DO IS PUT ON A PERFORMANCE WITHOUT ENDING UP DJSFIA SDHGHIF NIFLD UG HIUH............ O_O ?!?!?!? (turns to Glitcher) Dsfiusadh, fiuh sdf!!! Fsdoifjsdt aijsrf oyi smif wisjfd!!!  
  
*Translation: Glitcher, wake up!!! You're making me say bullshit!!!*  
  
Glitcher: Huh?..... o.O ..... Oh sorry, I guess I must have fallen asleep on the keyboard again. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^  
Skull Kid: O_O ; GRAAAAAAAAAHH!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I WISH IT WOULD ALL JUST END RIGHT NOW!  


THE END  


Skull Kid: I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY, GLITCHER!!!  
Glitcher: Sorry again. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^  
Skull Kid: O_O ; BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO! I HATE THIS FRICKIN' SHOW! I HATE YOU, AUDIENCE! I HATE YOU ALL! YOU SAGES ARE ALL INCOMPETENT JUDGES! YOU COULDN'T MAKE A PROPER DECISION IF YOUR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!  
Audience: ................................  
Saria: [ 1 ]  
Nabooru: [ 1 ]  
Rauru: [ ½ ]  
Ruto: [ Skull and crossbones ]  
Impa: [ "Skull Kid for vice-president!" ]  
Darunia: [ 10 ]  
Sages: (glares angrily at Darunia)  
Darunia: o.O ; Um... um... I mean, [ 1 ]  
Skull Kid: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AH HAH HAH! THEY'RE CRAP! ALL THE SCORES ARE CRAP! HEE HEE! ALL BAD MARKS! ALL OF THEM! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!.......... (gets dragged away in a straightjacket)  
Keaton: o.O ; Um... why don't we get some more interviews while Skull Kid regains himself? Anju, you're on.  
Anju: Zzzzzzzzz...... Oh, Mr Postman......... zzzzzzzzzzz............ You've brought me another love letter?........... zzzzzzzzzz........ You are such a darling. Hee hee!  
Keaton: ANJU!!  
Anju: O_O ; YAH! I'm awake! I'm awake! Okay, interviews. Uh.... what's your opinion, Sir? (points mike at audience member)  
Conker: (stares drunkenly at Anju's non-existent breasts) Eh heh heh heh, you are s-so s-sexy. ^_^ ; Eh heh heh heh uh huh huh heh heh eh heh eh heh heh huh eh heh heh huh huh eh heh eh heh heh eh heh...... (passes out)  
Anju: o.O ; Er.... moving on. Miss, what's your view on the show? (points mike at audience member)  
Gruntilda: This sucks big time. I'm ready to go.  
Anju: o.O ; But we'll soon find out who'll win the role.  
Gruntilda: Before I care, I'd sell my soul.  
Anju: o.O ; But the outcome could change the entire game!  
Gruntilda: What does it matter? It's all the same.  
Anju: o.O ; .............. Are you just rhyming what I say?  
Gruntilda: If I say yes, will you go away?  
Anju: Stop that!  
Gruntilda: Sorry.  
Anju: -_- ; Forget it. I'll try someone else. You, Sir, what do you think of the show? And for sanity's sake can you please give me a straightforward answer?! (points mike at audience member)  
Pikachu: Pika! Pika! Pi-Pikachu! Chu-Pika! Pikachu!  
Anju: You're saying you've seen more excitement in a Blues Brothers game?  
Pikachu: Pika-Pi! Chu-Pikachu! Pi-Pi-Pikachu!  
Anju: And that you could put on a better show with one paw tied behind your back?  
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pi! Chu-Pi! Pika-Pi!  
Anju: And you're telling me to stop repeating everything you s......... Oh... sorry. (grins like a buffoon)  
Keaton: Wait a minute, if you all hate this show, why are you cheering?  
Audience: WE WANT LINK!!!! WE WANT LINK!!!!  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Hey, c'mon! I'm cool too! (claps hands) C'mon! We want Skull Kid! We want Skull Kid!  
Audience: ..........................  
Skull Kid: ...... We want Skull Kid....... we want skull kid...... we want......... o.O  
Crickets: (chirp)  
Keaton: -_- ; *sigh* Let's just finish this show so we can all go home. Fortunately we're down to our last event.  
  
  
Fifth event: The ultimate challenge!  
  
Keaton: This is it, ladies and gentlemen. After four arduous trials, all that effort boils down to this next and final test. Whoever wins this one wins the game. The most essential thing about role-playing games is the ability for the hero to rescue any such damsel in distress. In this event, the contestants must cross our most lethal obstacle course to date and rescue the princess herself who awaits her saviour at the finish line.  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Skull Kid: (under breath) Oh well I see Zelda makes an appearance after all.  
Keaton: Anju, why don't you take us through the obstacles for our contestants?  
Anju: Alright, first Link and Skull Kid have to swim through the skullfish-infested waters of Zora Beach.  
Audience: Oooooooooooooooohh!!!  
Anju: Then they have to tread through the murky paths of the Lost Woods where hordes of the deadliest forest creatures wait to give our contestants a beating.  
Audience: Oooooooooooooooohh!!!  
Anju: And if they're still alive (the contestants, that is), they have to make it to the princess through the Death Mountain crater.... holding a powder keg!  
Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!!  
Skull Kid: o.O ; You expect us to go through that?! Surely you can't be serious!  
Keaton: Of course I'm serious, and stop calling me Shirley.  
Link: You're not afraid are you, Skull Kid?  
Skull Kid: Moi? Afraid? Don't be ridiculous! Why, I could tackle that course blindfolded! Now c'mon, I want to collect my prize!  
Link: Alright then, I'll get started.  
Skull Kid: Hey, wait a minute, you've started every event in this contest, now it's my turn!  
Link: Don't you think I deserve to start?  
Skull Kid: Oh no you don't! You caught me twice before, but it's not going to happen again. You are definitely NOT starting this round!  
Link: I say I will.  
Skull Kid: Won't!  
Link: Will!  
Skull Kid: Won't!  
Link: Will!  
Skull Kid: Won't!  
Link: Will!  
Skull Kid: Won't!  
Link: Will!  
Skull Kid: Won't!  
Link: Won't!  
Skull Kid: Will!  
Link: Won't!  
Skull Kid: Will!  
Link: Won't!  
Skull Kid: Will!  
Link: Won't!  
Skull Kid: WILL!!!!!!!!  
Link: Well, if you say so. ^_^  
Skull Kid: O_O ; BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!  
Keaton: Boys! Boys! There's no starter this time. This is a race. It's the first person to complete the course and rescue the princess who wins the prize.  
Skull Kid: *snif* I knew that.  
Keaton: Okay, are you ready? On your marks............  
  
*Link and Skull Kid get into starting position*  
  
Keaton: ............ get set.............  
  
*Skull Kid moves a few inches forwards*  
  
Keaton: ............ GO!  
  
*Link and Skull Kid sprint towards the beach*  
  
Keaton: And they're off! Wow, just look at them go! Ladies and gentlemen and monsters, this could turn out to be a thrilling race! Anju and I will go on ahead with a camera and wait for them at the finish line with the princess where we'll be able to cover the last leg of the race.  
  
*Later*  
  
Skull Kid: (reaches the beach) *puff* *pant* Ha ha! I left that stupid elf behind! Now it's time for a little shortcut across this dreaded beach. (finds a speedboat and unties it from the post) Mwa ha ha! So long, sucker! (leaps into the boat and starts surfing across the water)  
Link: (reaches the beach and spots the end of the rope) Gee, I wonder who left this here. Some people are such litterbugs. (ties the rope back onto the post)  
  
*The rope pulls the boat away from underneath Skull Kid and he falls into the water*  
  
Skull Kid: O_O ; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs along the surface of the water while the skullfish give chase)  
  
*Later in the Lost Woods*  
  
Skull Kid: *puff* *pant* That green freak may have got the jump on me, but this is where his luck runs out. When he runs by here, he'll trigger this trapdoor which will drop him right into this pit full of ferocious dodongos.........  
Dodongos: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRRRR!!!!!  
Skull Kid: ........... wild Deku scrubs............  
Deku scrubs: SKKWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  
Skull Kid: ........... blood-thirsty moblins..........  
Moblins: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODD!!!!!  
Skull Kid: ........... and the most nightmarish thing in the universe: A SONY PLAYSTATION!!  
Playstation: BLIP! POW! BAD GAMES! KABOOM! BOFF! AWFUL GRAPHICS! ZIP!  
Skull Kid: Mwa ha ha ha ha! That pansy elf won't stand a chance. Ooh ooh, here he comes now! (hides in the bushes)  
Link: (skipping through the trees) If you go to the Lost Woods today, you'll have a big surprise. If you go to the Lost Woods today, you'll never believe your eyes......... (skips over the trapdoor) Dee dee dee da, dee dee da da, tum tee tum tee tum...........  
Skull Kid: o.O ; What the....? Why didn't it open?! (runs onto the trapdoor) What's wrong with this thing? (starts jumping up and down on it) You stupid trapdoor! You can't even open for...... (trapdoor opens)...... O_O ; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (falls in the pit) AH!! AAAAHH!!! SOMEBODY HELP! AAAAHH!!! OH MY GODS! HELP ME!! AAAAAAAHH!!  
Playstation: ZEEP! KA-POW! DUFF CONTROL! ZING! BOOM! NO INNOVATION! KABLAMO! (starts tearing Skull Kid to shreds)  
Link: Huh? What was that sound?............ Ah, it must have been the wind. These Lost Woods sure give me the creeps. *shrugs* Oh well.......... (continues skipping through the trees)  
Skull Kid: AAAAAAAHH!! HELP! GET 'EM OFF! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!  
  
*Later in the Death Mountain crater*  
  
Skull Kid: (bandaged from head to toe) Okay, he was lucky that time, but there's no way he'll make it through here alive. Cackle! (pulls a backdrop of a path in front of the crater entrance and places a sign beside it saying "detour") Hee hee! When he runs through this backdrop, the last thing he'll see will be his feet lingering over a pool of lava! Mwa ha ha! ^_^ ; Whoops, I hear him coming now! (hides behind the rocks)  
Link: (skips into the crater and picks up his powder keg) Oh, she'll be coming round Death Mountain when she comes. She'll be coming round Death Mountain when she comes. She'll be coming round Death Mountain, coming round Death Mountain, coming round Death Mountain when she comes. (skips onto the backdrop path and follows it into the distance) Singing yay yay yipee yipee yay. Singing yay yay yipee yipee yay...............  
Skull Kid: O_O ; Wha? How did he.....? Ooooh! If that elf can do it, so can I! (runs at the backdrop, smashes straight through it, and runs right off a cliff) O_O ; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (starts to claw frantically at the air) ........... o.O *shrugs* .......... phweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ....... *SPLASH!*  
  
*At the other end of the crater*  
  
Keaton: o.O ; What was that? Anju, did you hear something?  
Anju: Zzzzzzzzz...... Why, Mr Postman!......... zzzzzzzzzzz............ Now you want me to come into your house?.......... zzzzzzzzzz........ Ooh, I hope no one sees us. Hee hee!  
Keaton: o.O ; Oh for the love of.......! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Anju: O_O ; YAH! The answer's fourteen! I mean, Kakariko Village! I mean.......  
Keaton: Shut up! Do you hear something?  
Anju: Huh? Wait a minute, yeah I think I hear something...................  
Link: (skips around the corner) Oh, she'll be coming round Death Mountain when she comes. She'll be coming round Death Mountain when she comes............  
Keaton: It's Link! He made it to the end first! But where's Skull Kid?  
Anju: He must be dead.  
Keaton: That's not true!  
Anju: He has to be dead!  
Keaton: No he's not! I want the truth!  
Anju: You can't handle the truth!  
Skull Kid: (climbs up the side of the pool, burnt to a crisp) *puff* *pant* Hold the phone!  
  
*Skull Kid dashes past Link and dives through to the finish line, sliding across the ground in a cloud of dust*  
  
Skull Kid: *puff* *pant* Ha ha! Yes! YES! I won! I made it here first! Ha ha ha! I beat Link to finish line! I won the race! Ha ha ha ha! ^_^  
Keaton: O_O ; I-I don't believe it! Skull Kid managed to beat Link! Skull Kid is the winner of tonight's contest!  
Audience: (from the studio) O_O  
Link: o.O ; Strewth!  
Skull Kid: Hee hee! I wiiin! I wiiin! Now where's Princess Zelda? I want to share my victory with her. ^_^  
Keaton: Princess Zelda? Who said it was Princess Zelda? I meant the Deku Princess!  
Deku Princess: (arrives on scene) My hero! Geeza kiss! (flashes her snotty lips)  
Skull Kid: O_O ; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! Get her away! Get her away! (gets chased all around the crater)  
Anju: ................... Wait a minute, Skull Kid can't win since he forgot to carry his powder keg!  
Link: That's okay, he can have mine. ^_^ (tosses Skull Kid the powder keg)  
Skull Kid: o.O ; Hang on, it's still ticking. And it seems to be getting faster and faster................. o.O ; Uh oh... I've done it again, haven't I? _ ................  
  
*boom......* (Glitcher: I am refraining from displaying the real magnitude of this explosion on screen, otherwise it might destroy your computer monitor)  
  
Skull Kid: (smoldering black) o.O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!! BLOW ME UP AGAIN! I ENJOY IT! I LOVE THE PAIN OF GETTING SLICED AND DICED AND FRIED AND MAIMED! C'MON, BOMBARD ME WITH MORE ARROWS, WHY DON'T YOU!? LOOK, HERE'S AN AXE! COME ON AND CHOP ME IN HALF! I LOVE IT!  
Link: o.O ; Gee, I think I broke his brain.  
Keaton: o.O ; Er... Skull Kid, I don't think you're feeling too........  
Skull Kid: HEY, I'M MAKING ANOTHER DEATH SCENE! NOBODY CARES! FEED ME TO THE SKULLFISH IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT! HERE, LET'S PLAY ANOTHER SONG! (grabs drums) YEAH, LET'S PLAY THE OATH TO ORDER SO WE CAN BLOW SKULL KID UP AGAIN! OR THE BOLERO OF FIRE! OR BETTER YET, THE SONG OF TIME!!: [ C-Right, A, C-Down, C-Right, A, C-Down ] .....................  
Link: O_O ; Stop, you fool! If you're not the hero of time, you won't be able to control the destination of your time-travel! (leaps on Skull Kid to try and stop him, but just misses as Skull Kid gets dragged into a temporal vortex)  
Keaton: O_O ; Crapity-crap! He vanished!  
Deku Princess: *snif* My one true love. He walked out of my life forever.  
Keaton: Oh, knock it off. You know you weren't the real princess to be saved. That was just a joke. Now where's Princess Zelda?  
Zelda: (arrives on scene in a bathing suit) Hiya! Is it over yet? Can I finally get my hands on the winner? ^_^  
Keaton: Er, well the thing is Skull Kid won the contest. But I'm afraid he's not here anymore.  
Link: But I still am! I'll handle it from here, Keaton. ^_^  
Zelda: Oh, my hero! ^_^ (grabs Link and smothers him with kisses)  
Link: (covered with lipstick marks) Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^  
Audience: (from the studio) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Romani: Oh, Grasshopper! How could you? *snif*  
Keaton: ^_^ ; Well it looks like this is it, folks. Since Skull Kid seems to have disappeared, Link is tonight's champion! He wins the role of the hero in the next Zelda game............. AS WELL AS A WEEK IN BARBADOS WITH PRINCESS ZELDA!! ^_^  
Audience: (from the studio) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! (applause)  
Anju: But wait a minute, where could Skull Kid have gone? I wonder what ever happened to him.................   
  
*Meanwhile elsewhere*  
  
Skull Kid: Aw, great! As if things couldn't get any worse, now I'm floating here in the midst of time! Oh well, what's the worst place I could end up in?  
  
*Skull Kid spins in the temporal vortex and reappears in....................*  
  
=========  
  
Keaton: (arrives on stage) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and monsters, and welcome to the twentieth edition of "Keaton's Ker-razy Kontest"!!! ^_^  
Skull Kid: O_O ; _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_  
  
*Curtains draw*  


THE (real) END  


  
Glitcher: Well, I hoped you liked it. As you can see, I got a lot of inspiration from the Looney Tunes, who I believe are the funniest characters in the world! My Perfect Dark comedy mentioned earlier shows off the same sort of humour. So if you liked this story, you should go check out that one too. ^_^  
I have plans for other comedies in the future, but I won't tell you what they're about, lest someone steals my ideas. But before I go ahead with those plans, I have a second Perfect Dark story which I started way back in October 2000 that I should try and finish first. *sigh* So much to do in so little time. We'll see how it all turns out. Toodles! ^_^  
PS. If you care to write a review, could you please tell me what was your favourite part so I can use similar gags in future fics? Oh, and here's another one before you go:  
  
How many movie quote parodies can you spot in this story?


End file.
